March 8, 2009

5 in 1


The first time I saw Will Smith's movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" about three-months back, right then and there I knew at some point I'd be watching it again when the right time comes. That time came three days ago.



"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"


That quote above is what struck me the most on that movie, Chris Gardner (Will Smith's Character) said those lines when everything around him was starting to fall apart. Just like any person who is having all sorts of trouble, it really can't be helped and you just have to start asking questions. You begin to doubt things that you are once taught about when you were a kid, and even those things you've always believed in. Surely, it's not a coincidence that the word "pursuit" was placed in that declaration of Independence because some things just can't be given to you. To live, to be free that is your right and by theory you should have that, but Happiness? It's something that nobody else can give you but yourself because in the first place you have to define that word for yourself. Whether it's music, a bar of chocolate, your kids, your cup of coffee or world peace--you have to define happiness. It doesn't matter how simple or silly your definition is, what's important is that one thing, or person, or whatever that might be can give you that certain smile in your face no one or nothing else can. If you're lucky enough to still be alive by the time you realize what that word meant to you then you'd have to spend the rest of your time on the hard part--the "pursuit" part. The part where most of us fail, the part that decides the difference between the happily ever after and the not so happy at all after.


RUBIK'S CUBE


Coincidentally or not, the rubik's cube actually played a vital role in the movie on two levels. On one scene, Will Smith used the Rubik's cube to impress the job interviewer while he was trying to apply for the internship but more importantly it symbolized how will power and working hard is a good tool to win that pursuit for happiness. I used to be that person who thought that solving this cube is impossible, I was a kid back then and I used to easily give up until later when it became popular again and I saw that even my older sister can easily solve it. I didn't realize that they already have a manual you can use to help you solve it. However, even with that there are still things you'd have to do yourself, you still have to learn and practice it, you'd really have to put some serious time and effort before you can complete the cube on your own but when I did, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I was proud of myself because not only that I was able to prove I can do it, but also I disproved myself that it was impossible. Yet again there is another thing I can do, and one thing less that I can't do.

PERSPECTIVE



At some point, they say that you'd have to decide for yourself whether to look at the glass being half-full or half empty. It's all a matter of perspective, a perspective either influenced by wonderful and awesome experiences or by the sorrowful and troublesome experiences. Based on my experiences thus far, I'd say I see the the glass half-empty. I see it that way not because I'm a pessimists--if we are talking about experiences, I have every right and reason to justify being a pessimists but I am actually an optimists and a realists at the same time. Unlike the common definition of the word optimists, I don't just see all the good things in life, I also see a lot of things that are wrong, things that we can improve at, things we can change. I've learned to see opportunities behind tragedies that a typical optimists simply don't see.






DEPRESSION

Even a crazy fool like me should know that something is wrong when it takes you 3-5 hours every night just trying to get some sleep. It's not normal by any standards especially for a morning person like me, (well come to think of it not being able to sleep until the morning still makes me a morning person). What if I say that I've only been outside the house once for the last 5 months. That all I do everyday since October is be on the computer, do random stuff that my impulse dictates. Haven't anyone noticed? I've changed my lay-out about 3 times already, I have built 5 blogs in a span of 30 days but I deleted most of it the next month, weeks later I came up with a "Cute blogger ID" and made one for each person in my blog lists. I made Kitchie Nadal my girlfriend and I was band member of the E-heads. Now, my latest impulse is the PINOY YOUTUBE blog. Want more? I told that girl who invited me for Valentines that I will come that night but I didn't show up because I couldn't made up my mind until the last minute whether I should go or not. The same thing happened when I told my friends I'd come and meet them on a couple of occasions. I didn't show up on two baptismal ceremonies where on both occassions I was supposed to be a Godfather. The first one was that of my niece, and the second was that of my ex-girlfriend's daughter. I am bad right? Early this February, I got an invitation from the U.S embassy for a live video discussion with Martin Luther's King's Nephew in celebration of the Black History Month and Barack Obama's inauguration. Guess what? I didn't show up. I know on my normal state I wouldn't let something like that pass but I did. It was stupid, I know, but I did.

It's a shame, but two days ago for the 2nd time in my life. I went on the internet, typed the word "depression" and I once again I took the online depression diagnostic exam. It's a terrible thing but I actually passed. I got a perfect score 10/10. So it's official, I am depressed.

Here are the questions, it's just a yes or no.


Q: Do you feel sad or irritable?
Q: Have you lost interests in activities once enjoyed?
Q: Have you experienced changes in weight or appetite?
Q: Have you experienced changes in sleeping pattern?
Q: Do you have feelings of guilt?
Q: Are you unable to concentrate, remember things, or make decisions?
Q: Have you experienced fatigue or loss of energy?
Q: Have you experienced restlessness or decreased activity noticed by others?
Q: Do you feel hopeless, or worthless?
Q: Have you had thoughts of suicide or death?

You answered 10 items out of 10 "Yes". According to The National Mental Health Association, 5 or more yes answers indicates that you may be suffering from clinical depression. This test cannot substitute for a visit to a mental health professional. It is meant only to give you an idea where to start a dialogue with your healthcare provider.
Among all the questions asked, one made me asked myself above all the others because I couldn't believe I am answering a "yes" on that. Q: Do you feel hopeless, or worthless? Me? hopeless or worthless? The Marlon I used to know would never say "yes" to that question. He always felt he had a purpose and that he could be the difference. More than twice, already here in my blog I wrote things about the younger, wiser and the much better version of me. I wrote about it so I can be reminded about that person who I used to be, amidst this long process of soul-searching which I previously thought 3 months ago it was already over. The person everybody admired for having so much drive and passion. That person who used to be an inspiration for many people, that guy who spoke so proudly of his dreams that many people actually believed he can do it.

DISK BOOT FAILURE, INSERT SYSTEM DISKS AND PRESS ENTER

Just three days ago, I started getting this error message on my computer and whenever this happens, I am forced to open up my CPU and literally just check on the motherboard to see what's up and once I turn it back on, for some miraculously stupid reason--it would actually work again. It's very frustrating in a way because my computer has been my life for about 5 months now. I am literally not doing anything differently but it only seems to work whenever I open up the actual casing and stare at it for about a minute. It leads me to assume that there is something else, a reason why this is happening and I thought of only one thing. My computer breaks my routine so that I can have that 1 minute of thinking about doing something else aside from being in front of my computer, maybe it's telling me that I have to open up myself again and be out there in the real world to check up on Mother-Earth. (I agree, that's trying too hard to link it)


The Real Thing

I entered this soul-searching phase of my life more than 5 months ago for a one reason that I am not openly going to discuss, In fact, I hope that the need to discuss it again with anyone would never come again but I know better, I am sure it will and I'll face it when the time comes. It's about my father but that's all I'm going to say about it.

However, midway through this whole process, another reason came up, it's not something new, I've had this "problem" for some years now but due to my optimistic and hopeful nature up until this day I still can't seem to get myself to let go of my "happiness."--that girl who can make me smile like nobody else can. She is how I define happiness for more than 3 years now. She is like that Rubik's cube, a puzzle that is almost impossible to solve but you know, after all the time and effort spent it is going to be all worth it because once you figure her out--she'll look perfect no matter how you look at her.

Sadly though, she is that kind of happiness I can never have, no matter what. I simply can't. Again, let me say this, I am an optimists but also I am realists, somethings just can't be. I know how hard it is to force yourself to loving someone, but it's way more difficult to force yourself not to love someone. If a heart transplant could solve it, I would have done it, as many times it takes so that not a part of me will love her anymore.

I stumbled upon this song, I heard this 3 days ago only but the lyrics says everything I think about during those many sleepless nights I have. I WANT THE REAL THING or NOTHING AT ALL.


Here comes the night once again
I am feeling lonely
Oh, if only things got turn out like you planned

Where could love be?
Tell me why it’s so hard to find somebody
Who would stand by me and take the time to understand?
So we are again

I want the real thing or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure
Who will catch me if I should fall
Someone who’ll be there when I call
And I know that it’s the real thing

To hold me each night
Someone to love me over and over
Someone who’ll be there when I call
Just give me the real thing

Where is that moon?
Who needs smile on this one more dreamer?
Let your beam come down and fill my empty wound

Here comes the night
But if there’s still a chance love would find me
I’m will be here crossing my fingers

Or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure
Who’ll catch me if I should fall?
Someone who’ll be there when I call
I know that it’s the real thing

To hold me each night
Someone to love me over and over
Someone who’ll be there when I call

I wanna know for sure that I can feel secure
Knowing I found an everlasting love
Once I’ve got that on under control
No I won’t let go

I want the real thing or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure
Who will catch me if I should fall
Someone who’ll be there when I call
It’s got to be the real thing
Got to be the real thing
I’m making the future right
Someone who’ll be there when I call
Just got to be the real thing









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7 comments:

MarcoPaolo said...

I love that movie...

Joffred said...

Early this February, I got an invitation from the U.S embassy for a live video discussion with Martin Luther's King's Nephew in celebration of the Black History Month and Barack Obama's inauguration. Guess what? I didn't show up.

astig ah?! kya lng sayang nman un pare.

DrStirringRhod said...

GREAT MOVIE!! Btw KABAYAN, I love THE RUBIK'S CUBE!! :-)

DR. STIRRING RHOD
http://docmuzic.blogspot.com/

ORACLE said...

"I know how hard it is to force yourself to loving someone, but it's way more difficult to force yourself not to love someone."

This is so very true! Kinda heart-breaking really but there's really nothing you can do about it.

Loving someone is something really good. It's the expectations and assumptions that makes it really bad. I guess true love is unconditional love. A deviation from this reality equates to pain.

Everything will come to pass. You'll just have to be strong enough to survive the experience of loving yourself first before loving another...

Kudos to You Marlon! Thanks for the Badge. Ilalala bas ko na yung continuation ng story tag this week... =)

Marlon said...

Marco Paolo, yup it's a great movie, thanks for the drop.

Joffred, sayang talaga iyon, kahit ako talaga nagsisisi kaso baka naman wala rin akong nagawa/nasabing matino kung nagpunta ako

Dr. StirringRhod, thanks for the drop. ok sana ang rubik's kaso wala akong hilig sa ganun. bored lang talaga ng ginawa ko iyon

Oracle, indeed that is a very terrible thing that anyone would have to do, force himself/herself not to love someone. I know what to do, i just don't know how to do it or if i can. I guess, everyone experience something like this, we just have to find our way out.

Thanks, for the nice thoughts.

Hintayin ko ang kwento, lols! hehehe

jhosel said...

first. i love that movie too.. pati na din yung ibang movie ni will smith..

sa rubiks.. oh well, til now i stil cant solve it. one side palang nagagawa ko.. ahehe. but then again, masosolve ko nalang yun after several tries.. thats life naman talaga diba.. success is sweeter kung madaming trials and failure na dinaanan. *wink*

and yea. its all on your perspective.. and your choice kung magiging happy on small things or pursue bigger things.. parang yung sabi ko dun sa blog ko..(sa baba ng archives)

"I always believe that happiness is a choice. You can definitely turn boring things into something interesting. Its just how you perceive it. Its either you see a cup half-emptied or half-full. I choose to look at the bright side. I choose to be happy. How bout you?"

on depression. i think it would help na lumabas ka and be with your friends. mas lalo ka lang kasing madedepress if you'll confide yourself sa house mo. go out.. kahit di ka bumalik sa mga dati mong activities basta go out lang, talk to a friend para mabawasan ang burdens mo.. pray na din coz i know He's there for you..

sa pc mo naman.. siguro nga its God's way para iremind ka.. kaya go back to Him and go back to yourself.

life is tough. kaya be strong. :)

Elyong said...

"The Pursuit of Happyness" would be listed as one of my favorite movies of all time.

The story is so inspiring.. especially the love of the father to his son and their journey together.

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