April 28, 2011

What Difference A Day Makes.


We all have it. That one single day that changes everything. You don't realize it when you wake up but you'd know at the end of that day things will never ever be the same. Like many people, there are those days you wished have never happened but it did and you'd just know..suddenly you'd be reminded what difference a day makes.

It's only been a month, everything is still so fresh to me that I can still remember how helpless I've felt that morning when I got home after what had been the longest day of my life thus far. The 26th of the month is normally a day that I look forward to because it was on that day we became a couple. It was supposed to be our 15th time to celebrate that day but as it turned out, that day will be remembered for another reason. It was on that day when we had to take her to the Hospital. She was unmistakeably ill that morning. I arrived at their house after a phone call from her mom who sounded very nervous, "hindi siya magising" is all she could tell me but that was more than enough to get me out of bed because those words instantly reminded me of what happened to my mom a few years back. I remember how frantically we tried waking her up on that day but she wouldn't budge. She was rushed to the hospital and immediately declared dead on arrival. I couldn't help but think of the worst when I heard that but I was somehow relieved when I arrived at their place and found her sitting up, while being held up by her mom. She immediately looked at me and held my hand but I knew then something was very wrong because of her blank stare. It's like she knew my name but she doesn't know who I was. She was being fed at that time I arrived but she soon wanted to go back to sleep. I watched her for several more hours sleeping until I couldn't contain myself and tried to wake her up again. I tried to find out if she knows the people around her or if she could speak but she was having a hard time uttering even our names. It was then when we brought her to the hospital and was initially diagnosed with "mild stroke", the Doctor said she had to be immediately admitted to ICU for observation. They even told us she might go that night if her condition doesn't improve and we have to prepare ourselves for the worst. That day just got longer as the hours passed, the waiting part was killing me and my thoughts just made it worst. It was our monthsary but I wished that day never came. I went home the morning of the 27th, around 3:00 in the morning I found myself crying like a small kid, i was so helpless and after a very long time I found myself praying and I swore to God I could give everything up that very moment just to make sure she gets through that night.

The days that followed all seemed longer than the day before. She was on ICU for almost a week. Hours felt like years outside the ICU. Even the slightest twitch of the door makes my heart beats really fast. There was that time we had to sign a waiver to allow them to cut her through so they can insert a breathing tube down her lungs. They explained to us that they have a rating of 1-15, 15 being a normal healthy person and she was already rated with a mere 7 points. Anything lower than that and they'd have to interfere. She is a true fighter though, she slowly got better and her vitals all became normal. It still takes quite an effort to wake her up so she had to be fed through a tube to her nose but she steadily improved. Doctors were surprised and they even called me the "magician". One of the doctors explained that she doesn't respond to the nurses and doctors but she always does when she hears my voice. There were many instance that the doctors thought she wasn't improving since she doesn't wake up or move when they tried to ask her to move so they'd come when I was there to ask me to talk to her and give her orders. it was about on the 3rd day when she opened her eyes again and started to laugh again. I couldn't be happier that time. I will never forget what the doctor said that time "Bumabalik na siya sa atin". Very soon after that, she was cleared to be transferred to a regular room.

Her case was very acute and the doctors took about 5 days to know what really happened to her, she was already being given antibiotics even before they were sure what her illness really was to catch whatever it is that caused it. She was officially diagnosed with "Viral Encephalitis", it is a brain infection that caused for some part of her brains to swell. She is finally out of danger but the nature of her illness is quite challenging. As anyone can imagine, our brain is the main control system of the body. It commands our body parts to move and most importantly it holds our memories. She's been out of the hospital for about 2 weeks now after a 3 week stay but she is yet to fully recover. Her motor skills are slowly going back to normal however, her short term memory is impacted. She remembers the long term details like those that happened before she was hospitalized but she doesn't remember she was hospitalized at all. She can't retain any new memories or the new things we tell her. Her short term memory is very inconsistent. Sometimes, she'd remember things for up to 30 mins if you constantly ask her but she would easily forget what date it is already despite of you just telling her not even 5 minutes ago. I normally take a picture of her that would remind her I was there on that day, I even take videos of her talking just so she can watch it. I would normally joke around with her by telling her things that I know she'll forget soon after. It's like that Movie, 50 First dates. You'd never think those things happen in real life but they do. The last time I slept over at their place. I remember opening my eyes and seeing her staring at me only inches away from my face since I slept next to her in bed and she asked me with a very puzzled expression "Anong ginagawa mo dito?". I couldn't help myself but smile and be thankful and glad that she didn't asked who I was but only wondered about what I was doing there that early. I had to explain that I slept over about 5 times since she'd always forget she already asked that question. You'd have to start telling her stories so she'd stop wondering and asking. For now, it's easy for her to believe what I say since I'd just need to show her wounds on her right hand to help me explained she was actually hospitalized for 3 weeks. I just hope she completely comes back to us before all her other wounds heal as that would make it harder to explain.

A month before she was hospitalized, we've already reserved a house where we want to spend our lives together. We wanted to keep it a secret until the 17th of April when we were supposed to celebrate his younger brother's graduation when the whole family was complete. Up until today, I don't know if she is aware that I already cancelled it for now. I told her about it but I know she probably don't remember that. Every time I visit her, we'd have those short moments that I can talk to her and she'd be like before, there are those instances that she would respond like she would have if she wasn't having a short term memory problem. I'd know when I am really talking to her if it was just one of those 5 minute thing that she'd forget almost instantly. I miss her. I really do. I know it may still take a lot of time until she fully comes back but I'm still very hopeful. I know we'd get through this together. The worst part has already gone and I'm going to be there the rest of the way. She stayed for me, the least I can do is do the same.

Last, April 26th was her first follow-up check up. It was our second monthsary in the hospital and it would be the first time I'd see her after a week since I had to work. I wasn't expecting her to remember it was our Monthsary because I know she won't even know what date it was. She was already inside the rehabilitation room when I arrived. I've watched her from outside the door the entire time since I didn't want to distract her going through her therapy. She stepped outside about 2 hours later and she saw me for the first time. She was quite surprised as I expected and yet again she asked me "Anong ginagawa mo dito?", I just smiled back as she continued walking towards me, she then sat down next to me and soon I asked her the question I always ask to find out if she improved at all since I last saw her, "Anong Petsa ngayon?". I was smiling when I asked that question but that smile was erased when she responded "ewan ko" ? Of course, there was nothing else for me to do but to tell her. "April 26, 2011". She then immediately smiled back at me, held my hand..drew me closer to her and hugged me as she gave me a kiss in the cheeks. She did all that while saying "Kaya ka pala andito,". Then she whispered this tiny word to my ear. "Monthsary"

January 1, 2011

A year that was...or more. (Mr. Perspektib is back)


It's the time of year again when you really can't help but be re-acquainted with your old reminiscent self. I guess that's what happens when you have rest days that falls on a weekday when everyone else is working and you are pretty much the only person online doing nothing. On the positive side though, because of this...I found myself browsing through my blog that I haven't really visited for a long time so I'm back--I guess I am.

So Mr. Perspektib? How have you been for the last year or so.

I am a year older and hopefully wiser. I have read through my previous post prior to writing this to somewhat remind my current self of my older version. I have changed and I know it is in a good way. My first 6 months of blogging back then was more of an aid or somewhat a documentation of my so-called soul-searching. I can say that's over now, I've done quite a lot of things, been to many places and like any other there were a lot of ups and downs since the last time. Some aspects of my life are way better than before while others have unfortunately gone worse. You really can't have everything, or maybe you can but not always all at the same time or when you really need them the most--that's life.

It's been well over a year and a lot things in my blog are not relevant anymore. For one, the soundtracks of my life have changed. I'm done with the songs that was all about regret, longing and honestly I must say really sad songs because my heart is healed and happy. Secondly, I'm generally satisfied with how my life is going. Over a year ago, I was totally clueless of what I was about to do next and this is no longer the case because I now have a clear picture of where I'm going to be at 6 months from now. I have a clear goal, I have every motivation needed and I've got the best foundation to achieve them. I'm much more focused and things just seems to be more defined in terms of how I am going to get to my goals, I bet anyone I'd ask would say that it is a good thing.

It's the very first day of 2011, a lot of us may look at it as beginning while for others it may be an end. It really is just about our own perspective and as for me and many others it could be both. My long hiatus is over, one of things I want to start doing again is this--blogging. I can't help but wonder how many of my blogger friends are still out there. I really admire those people who have been consistently updating their blogs despite of the busy lives they also have. Twitter and Facebook may also serve the purpose as to why many people blog which is primarily to share their thoughts and what's been happening to their lives but somewhat I feel it still doesn't do justice to how a blogger writes on their own space, their own blog. Statuses or Tweets are more of a summary and photos sometimes doesn't just tell you as much stories. When you go to Facebook, what you would see are things people want to portray themselves to be in public but a blog is where you will see what they really are. Reading people's blog is literally a way to peak into the writer's heart.

I've been working for well 0ver a year now. I can safely say that I'm doing a fine job at what I currently do at work. I am as focused as ever and with the experience I've already earned I can already efficiently manage the time that I have so I'm really planning to go back and re-introduce myself to the blogosphere. I see a lot have changed and I couldn't wait to catch up, say "Hi" to my old friends and make new ones along the way.

January 1, 2011. Mr. Perspektib is officially back!

September 7, 2009

City of Angels


Somethings are true whether we believe them or not...

This movie review may be a decade too late but hey, City of Angels is one of those timeless classics so let me share my thoughts on the movie, the metaphors, the quotes and the sad truths behind this simple but very symbolic movie.


I was still too young to understand this movie when I first saw it on T.V. and when I say "too young to understand" I mean it literally. I was about 9 or 10 years old and I was just about in 4th grade at the time and though I already knew how to read and write English at that time, capturing every words and absorbing them was still quite a challenge. I really didn't like the movie and I thought it was pretty boring because I was expecting to see angels--you know those ones with wings and complete package. I was really disappointed that Angels on this movie were nothing but a man who wears the same clothes everyday. The only good thing was that they sometimes hang-out on top of billboards which to me was a very good idea. It was only about a year ago when I've seen it in full that I really got to appreciate how great the movie is. The dialogues, the conversations, the thought-provoking scenes was enough for me to get passed the idea that Seth and the other Angels didn't have wings and that they actually live in the library--not in heaven.

A lot of people considers this movie to be in their top 10 best romantic movies of all time even if it did not end in a happily ever after. Most definitely would prefer the idea that Maggie (Meg Ryan) didn't die in the end but I guess if she hadn't then maybe it wouldn't make the same impact it did to us. If Maggie had lived then we wouldn't have one of the most adored and remembered lines when it comes to love stories..."I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One." Take note, this was delivered by Nicholas Cage's nice accent.

This is a love story, a very good one indeed but I guess more than that, the writer intended it to have more meaning that Seth sacrificing his immortality. In a way, the movie being somewhat a fantasy-movie provided a symbolic sense to what applies in real life. Personally, I was fascinated with how Angels were described--they have no sense of touch, they can speak all the languages in the world, they don't feel hunger or pain, they spend time in a library , can travel in a speed of thought and most amazingly they can read people's mind. If you consider all this special abilities then you may think what else do you need right? However, that's didn't seem the case not only for Seth but to the other Angels as well. They were naturally curious and even if they can read minds they still are yet to figure us out. You would think they have all the answers but as shown on the movie, it was in fact curiosity that started everything for him. I know pretty well it's all the writer's imagination but I can't help it. These are somethings worth thinking about. Are we naturally not contented of what we have even if it seems like you are in the best of situations? Are we always looking for answers because we want to know if there are better things or is it just that we don't appreciate what we already have? What is it really?


It is not the first time when I've seen this idea of s0-called FREE WILL. The power of choice, the power to decide for yourself and what you want to do with your life. The idea was first presented to me in the movie "Bruce Almighty" wherein Jim Carrey was endowed with God's power and that he could do pretty much anything he wanted but he couldn't interfere with people's free will so no matter what he did, he still wasn't able to force Jennifer Aniston to love him again. I really thought that free will in itself is amazing if we think about it. Like what was said in the movie, it is a gift from God and that even himself cannot interfere with it so as to say that if we end up being completely happy or insanely miserable is all up to us.


On the onset of the movie, Nicholas Cage a.k.a "Seth" was shown sitting next to a very sick child who was about to die. Seth was around because it was his job to accompany her and take her to heaven. Seth who was naturally curious would always asked those people who just died with the question, SO WHAT DID YOU LIKE BEST? The little girl--still being so young and innocent quickly and confidently replied "Pajamas". Of course, I couldn't it so I smiled at her answer but then I also couldn't help but think, what if I'd be be asked the same question? Can I answer as quick or as sure as she did? Can you?


Of course, would I end this post without talking about the one the most important part of the movie if not it's climax--Seth giving up his eternity being an angel to be with Maggie. Yup, that is romantic in every sense and we may never have to make that decision in our life there will be times in our life when we will be prompted to choose between two things. There will be that one moment that you'd have to make a decision so big that you know whatever you choose you're life will never be the same. I'm not sure that I can make that kind of decision now if I will be prompted to or if that time had already passed because I'm not even sure where I am right now but I do hope that when it comes then it would be something I'd never end up regretting. In a way, we'd all have to take the plunge--to hopelessly fall without a clue of what's going to happen but we'd do it anyway.

To end this post I'd like to share this song which I've really liked in the past since the lyrics holds a different meaning for me and so I was surprised to find out it was actually part of the movies' soundtrack which made perfect sense after I've seen the movie.

Verse 1

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive


And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

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