STARTING OVER

Starting over--if you read my previous post which is already a month old (thanks to Smartbro), you'd know that's what I talked about. Finally, I was able to get back on my feet and move forward after being stagnant doing what I'd like to call soul-searching. Over six months of doing nothing--I realized that whatever that is that I'm looking for won't come so I had to go out--not necessarily to search for it but perhaps to just open up possibilities.

Hindi naman kami close ni tadhana pero hindi ko maintindihan bakit parating ako na lang iyong napapag-tripan niya? Alam kong kyut ako, pero hindi naman siguro sapat na dahilan iyon para ako na lang lagi ang napapansin niya.

Unang araw ng training, nagpakilala kaming lahat sa pamamagitan ng pagbibigay ng isang short self-description. Bagama't alam naman nating lahat na hindi sapat ang ilang minutong pagpapakilala sa sarili upang malaman natin ang mga bagay tungkol sa isang tao at masabi nating kilala na natin sila ay sapat na ang ilang sandaling iyon para makuha ang aking atensyon ng isa sa aking mga ka-wavemates.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero sobrang ganoon na lang ang aking naging interes sa kanyang karakter, isa siyang registered nurse na sa edad na 24 ayon sa kanya ay isa pa ring NBSB dahil noong medyo bata pa siya ay inakala niyang mas interes niya ang kapwa niya babae. Madali mo naman itong makikita sa kanyang pananamit dahil iba ito sa pang-karaniwang babae, hindi damit lalaki pero mapapansin mong naiiba ito sa karaniwang pananamit ng mga babaeng nasa edad niya. Maganda siya ngunit hindi ito kaagad mapapansin dahil sa palagi siyang may suot na salamin. Hindi naman sa pagiging stereotype--pero karaniwan sa hindi, alam natin na ang may salamin ay mahilig magbasa, matalino at well-versed kung iyong kakausapin at ito nga ang kaso sa kanya, bukod pa doon sa aking tahimik na pagmamasid ay nakita kong masayahin at mabait na tao, patunay na rito ang dami ng kanyang kaibigan kahit sa maikling panahon pa lamang ng training. Higit sa lahat, masaya ako sa tuwing nakikita ko siya at nakakausap na nagagawa ko lang kapag may ibang tao sa paligid dahil isa po akong TORPEDO. Akala ko nagbago na ako mula ng unang tumibok ang puso ko noong high-school dahil hindi naman mahirap sa aking ang maging madaling makagaananng loob ng mga babae, pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto na iba pa rin talaga ang tinatawag na "THE REAL THING".

Experience taught me that when someone like this comes along, they normally don't stay for long and if they do, they stay not because of me--I just happen to be there. I can't help but feel that she's too good for me. If you've read my some of my older posts, you'd know why and I--at this point of my life is clearly not at the best situation to get into something that can complicate things more. Though, I'm normally the type of person who doesn't leave things to chance because I hate wondering and asking myself "What if's.", I, this time however, decided not to entertain the feeling. I tried avoiding her as much as I can while at the same time trying to make the most out of the 1 month training. It's as ironic as it sounds, because I always come to work early--at least an hour early because I know she's going to be there but then I'd never really talk to her when we were alone, maybe not so much because we don't have anything to talk about or maybe because i was avoiding it, maybe it's just because I can't. In fact, I had wished that we won't be on the same team when they split our group because It would be harder for me to not completely fall for her.

Everything was going according to plan, except for the fact that I often text her nonsense things, (yeah, that's me I avoiding her, texting.) We were assigned teams, and we don't belong on the same group. I got what I wished for but I can't tell you that I'm happy about it either. I always knew it was going to be like that, it's fine because I'll still see her around anyway but then on the 3rd day of our last week on training, she told me as soon as I saw her early before the shift that she's going to resign to study for the NCLEX or whatever they call that board exam for nurses so she can work in the U.S. Then it hit me, did I make the right decision to be silent? To avoid her? Now that I only have to days to spend with her--actually not really spend with her but just to see her. Should I tell her? How can a story end when it haven't even started? I had no idea that day was going to be the last time I was going to see her, It was only when I got home when I realized that I should tell her, not that I expect her to say anything or that I have any agenda, I just feel like I should let it out of my system but just like that. She's gone.

I've always wanted to believe that destiny--for whatever it's worth allows things to happen for whatever that damn reason is. Everything happens for a reason, I've been told that many times and I admit to have said it to some people I know hoping that somehow that can make them feel better. Maybe, they do happen for a reason--finding out that reason or accepting them is however, an entirely different story.

Writing about how terrible I've been feeling these past few days because of this short story of mine isn't exactly the come back post I had in mind especially after I specifically wrote on my last post that I'm no longer depressed and that I'm looking forward to starting over. Nonetheless, It's still a post and yes, I'm back.